David Baker: From penalties to more penalties the tortured existence of an English Football fan

England’s World Cup storyline over the years has been fairly consistent. In no particular order it goes something like this; pantomime villain, Germany, penalties, red card, penalties, Argentina, penalties. But all those oh-so-nears keep giving reason to somehow believe it has to be “Coming Home” next time. It’s a well-worn notion that sport has the power to unite more than anything else. Nowhere is this truer than in England with the football World Cup. But it’s not actually the shared joy of success that gives us English an unusual sense of solidarity for a couple of months every four years. It’s the heartbreak. The national team provides a rare chance for us all to get behind a single cause and put our club rivalries to one side. For us to acceptably drape the St George’s flag from our widows and for us to actually wear “our colours” in the pub (that’s a whole different story.) Schools put up big screens to broadcast games during term time and workplaces break for long lunches or push back start times. All so we can desperately try to bury the pain of the last nightmare. And since 1966 — England’s only ever World Cup win — there have been plenty. In my lifetime I’ve endured... 1986: The Hand of God Whilst I was too young to remember Mexico ‘86, you can’t grow up in England without being reminded of the injustice that took place there. In true English fashion we’ve peversely chosen to relive the pain before and during every World Cup since. It’s where Maradona, one of the greatest footballers of all time, decided he wasn’t happy beating all comers with his feet alone. The Argentinian punching the ball in the net has set the tone for why we return each four years feeling like we’re somehow owed a break. Maradona also scored probably the greatest goal in World Cup history in that 2-1 Argentina win in the quarterfinals, but that is replayed less often. 1990: Penalties and Gazza’s tears Losing to Germany at Italia 90 was, sadly, the start of England’s despairing relationship with penalty shootouts. Prior to the spot kicks though England’s most mercurial talent, Paul Gascoigne, had earned himself a yellow card that would have ruled him out of the final had we made it. Vision of him in tears knowing he would miss out on the biggest stage in football lives long in the memory. As do a couple of terrible penalties. 1994: A new kind of pain USA ‘94 is the anomaly in this 40-year horror show, in that we weren’t even there to create additional bad memories. Try as you might to find some long distant Irish heritage, getting behind another nation just isn’t acceptable. 1998: Beckham and more penalties Sadly nothing unites English fans like a figure of hate. Penalty losses by this point felt like a fait accompli (there was another infamous one at Euro 96), so it became easier to blame something, or someone, else. David Beckham’s reckless challenge earned him a red card against Argentina in the round of 16 that made it hard to come back from. Beckham was persona non grata back home, effigies of him literally burned in the street. I didn’t promise the unity was always a good thing! 2002: A goalkeeping howler Leading against eventual champions Brazil in the quarterfinals England were pegged back just prior to half time, before experienced goalkeeper David Seaman was infamously lobbed by a long-distance Ronaldinho free kick. Fine margins that very much played into the idea that surely it’s only a matter of time before things fall our way. 2006: A wink and yet more penalties This quarterfinal loss to Portugal was again more about a pantomime villain than another exit on penalties. Preying on the well-known temperament of England’s star forward Wayne Rooney — Portugal goaded the frontman into getting sent off. Rooney’s club teammate and Portugal legend Cristiano Ronaldo confirmed the “dark arts” tactic when he winked to coaching staff as Rooney was given his marching orders. Needless to say Ronaldo had a tough time playing his club football in England over the next 12 months. 2010: The phantom goal England never deserved to make it through their round of 16 tie against Germany in 2010, but there was still enough room for a hard luck story. At 2-1 down Frank Lampard unleashed a shot that came down off the crossbar and over the line. Clearly, over the line. The goal wasn’t given and England went on to lose 4-1. Cue collective national outrage. 2014: The group of death The less said of this World Cup the better. For the first time since 1958 England failed to make it through the group stage. Maybe England just aren’t good enough … 2018: All hope restored The failings of 2014 had barely settled when England made it to their first semifinal in nearly 30 years. They were spared the indignity of an exit on penalties but a 2-1 loss to Croatia in the last 10 minutes of extra time offered very little solace. 2022: A different penalty saga In Qatar it was a penalty miss during normal time, that added to the catalogue of painful memories. With six minutes left to take France into extra time in the quarterfinals, up stepped England’s greatest ever goalscorer. Harry Kane — one of the world’s most reliable strikers from 12 yards — missed his first ever penalty in an England shirt. The miss is emblematic of England’s reputation as nearly men. So, what does it all mean in terms of this World Cup? Well, whenever I’m reminded of the anthem that has become synonymous with the Three Lions it’s not the Coming Home bit that strikes me. That song was released in 1996 with a chorus that reflected on “30 years of hurt.” Thirty years on, we’ve piled on the hurt and the song has been edited to the more time-sensitive “no more years of hurt.” Ultimately, it’s become difficult to envisage a World Cup without pain and the shared trauma we’ve become accustomed to. And anyway, what will all us whinging Poms unite over if we do actually win? David Baker is an assistant editor at The West Australian and a lifelong England football fan.

David Baker: From penalties to more penalties the tortured existence of an English Football fan

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