Nat Locke: If your phone’s screen lists your goals, including ‘get better at fighting’, maybe don’t lose it?

My favourite news story for the week was the one about the phone that was found on the snowfields at Perisher in NSW.

Nothing earth-shattering about that, of course, but the most obvious identifying feature about this phone was that the lock screen showed a list of the owner’s goals.

Now, as someone who has a picture of their dog as their lock screen, there’s a part of me that admires the dedication of an individual who displays their goals so prominently that they are constantly reminded of them. This guy — and, oh, it most definitely is a guy — is ready to take on the world with his aspirations.

Well, that is until you actually examine what it is he’s trying to achieve.

I mean, some of the goals are very admirable. He wants to get good marks at uni, for example. That’s goal No. 6 (out of eight). And goal No. 3 is to have $25,000 in his bank account. Solid financial target right there. Specific and measurable, which are attributes every goal should have.

Goal No. 1 was to — and I quote — get jacked and be 87kg, although it’s unclear whether this would require an increase or a decrease in his current body weight. Whichever it is, there’s nothing wrong with a health and fitness goal. He also wants to quit all nicotine, which will help him achieve both his health goals and his financial ones. See? This guy is winning already.

Oh. Goal No. 5 is to get better at fighting. This is perhaps the first red flag, unless he’s a tae kwon do champion or something. Let’s hope he’s not referring to general bar brawling, especially as he’s not yet jacked.

Goal No. 4 is simply to “have motorbike”, which is impressive if it’s in addition to the $25k in the bank. This guy is a uni student, remember. Although let’s hope he’s not an English major given his reluctance to engage an indefinite article.

That leaves two more goals. And these are perhaps the most puzzling. Goal No. 8 is, relatably, the most achievable of them all: “Don’t get haircut for three months”. That’s right. This guy has a goal to not do something for three months. I like his style. Besides, his motorbike helmet will cover up the evidence. I applaud him for needing to write this goal down. I am also a fan of making goals that are wholeheartedly achievable. Hell, I’ll even write down things I’ve already done so I can cross them off and feel like a winner. Follow me for more inspirational tips.

But it’s No. 7 that really sticks out. This kid has got chutzpah, I’ll give him that. Goal seven, you see, is to “have three girls on roster” and I’m sighing a little bit in despair. Something tells me that if you have this as a goal, you’re probably struggling to have one girl “on roster” but then, what would I know. I would’ve hoped that a go-getting young man might aspire to a meaningful relationship, but maybe I’m just old fashioned.

Besides, if he’s so busy riding his motorbike and getting “jacked” and studying hard to get good grades at uni, I don’t know where he’s going to find the time to fit three girls into the mix, even if he does implement a roster system. And how would that work anyway? And do the girls have a say in it? Is this some sort of fundamentalist polygamist objective, or is he just a wannabe player?

(I have a lot of questions about this guy.)

Still, good on him for maintaining his focus on his goals, even if some of those goals are questionable. Perhaps “hang onto my phone” should have been tacked onto the list, but everyone’s a genius in hindsight.

Whenever I see a story like this, I wonder what my own goal list might look like. It would have to be pretty impressive to knock my dog off my lock screen (because he is a truly magnificent beast), but it wouldn’t hurt to actually have a list to strive for.

So I’m joining in. Here’s my list:

1. Keep a pot plant alive

2. Actually, that’s really it. Just keep a pot plant alive.

3. Don’t buy any more pot plants when the current ones die.

4. OK, have three pot plants on a roster.

I’m clearly not that good at writing goals. But also, I’m not very likely to drop my phone on the ski slopes — on account of having no desire to go skiing.

Maybe I’ll add that to my list. “Don’t go skiing”. Tick. I’m really nailing these goals.