Nat Locke: The key to a peaceful Christmas lead-up is to put an ocean between you and the stress

Well, this year’s preparation for Christmas has been rather unorthodox, even by my standards, and I don’t want to jinx it, but I think I might have nailed it.

You see, there’s nothing that helps you to avoid that pre-Christmas shopping centre crush like jumping on a plane and going overseas.

I had a taste of that Christmas shopping madness a couple of Sundays ago when I went to a large suburban shopping centre at opening time. I got a carpark without any problems, sashayed around to the handful of stores that I needed to go to, then got the hell out of there.

Descending down the escalators to the carpark was the equivalent of descending into hell. Vehicles crawled their way up and down the aisles, glaring at shoppers wandering towards their cars. Honking horns, crying babies. It was horrific. The festive spirit was nowhere to be seen.

So hobbling around New Zealand (bung knee, remember) seems like a far superior option. In addition, the beauty of travelling immediately before Christmas is that you have the perfect excuse for not doing any Christmas preparations. “Sorry, I couldn’t order a ham, I was jet boating in Skipper’s Canyon!” See? Perfect excuse.

Another major advantage to pre-Christmas absenteeism is that you are completely unaffected by the pressure to “catch up before Christmas”.

For some reason, people are very driven to gather together with their friends and acquaintances before Christmas. Sure, we haven’t seen one another since just before last Christmas, but it’s best we use our last available half hour to see one another before this Christmas.

It makes no sense. We can still see our friends in other months, too. Besides, by the time we’ve had all the work Christmas dos, the school concerts, the dance concerts, the gym Christmas parties, the book club Christmas dinners, the Friendsmases, the carols in the park and — perhaps the most important gathering of all — the dog park Christmas party, there’s not a lot of time left over for the general day-to-day operations. Let alone catching up with Jenny from school or Lucy who you worked with eight years ago.

So to everyone who texted “Let’s catch up before Christmas” this year, I could gleefully respond “Sorry, I’ll be in NZ” without a shred of guilt. It really takes the pressure off.

So, I know what you’re wondering: how have I managed to do my Christmas shopping? Well, I’ve simplified it, that’s for sure. Nieces and nephews are now of an age where there is literally nothing I could buy them that they would think was cool. So I give them cash. That’s five presents done and I’ve only been to the ATM once. Every other present was purchased at either an airport bookshop or an airport duty-free liquor store. I know. I’m a genius.

Another Christmas first for me this year is that I will be spending the bulk of the big day driving. Given that I only arrived back in the country yesterday, I couldn’t face the prospect of immediately jumping in my car and driving myself and the dog to Esperance, so I’ll be doing it on Christmas Day.

There are some notable advantages to this, too. Mainly that there shouldn’t be the usual plethora of grain trucks on the road. Also, I’m expecting a bit less traffic altogether because I don’t expect anyone else to be quite as mad as me. I have even sussed out where I can source my much-needed long black before I embark on the journey. I can’t help but think that someone is opening their cafe so they don’t have to spend too much time with their family, but I’m a cynic like that.

If I play my cards right, and the dog is well behaved, I should be rolling into Esperance by about three in the afternoon. Just in time for one of Mum’s fruit mince pies for afternoon tea and late enough to not have to contribute significantly to the preparation of Christmas dinner. Although I’m a dab hand at glazing a ham if I’m required to.

The thing about Christmas is that what you give and receive is not all that important. Remember that fact when you’re white-knuckling it at the shops because you can’t find anything for great-aunt Brenda. Seriously. Buy her chocolate or gin. Hopefully she’ll share. Because that’s the crux of it, isn’t it? Just hanging out together.

And fruit mince pies. But mainly the hanging out together.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.